When You Are Living With Aging Parents

For many families living with aging parents has become a reality. With people living longer and shrinking financial resources many households are returning to a family structure that was common place less than 100 years ago. Parents sharing the same home with their adult children.

Unfortunately, this return to living life under one roof has children of aging parents caught off guard. Perhaps your parents did not have a need to take in their own parents when they could no longer live independently but now you are facing this reality and you find yourself unprepared! Of course, you want to do the right thing and make everything work out for everyone. Maybe you even have children you are still raising and wondering how this will effect them, or your marriage or your career? Here are somethings to keep in mind when you begin caring for your aging parents in your own home.

Keep in mind that you are an adult child and no longer a young boy or girl. Everyone wants to do right by their parents but sometimes we forget we've grown up and we should relate to our parents as adults, even in our own homes. Do not revert back to a young child/parent relationship as so many adult children do. This will only sabotage your productivity with your parent(s) and frustrate your spouse and other family members. If mom or dad is failing in their mental and/or physical capacities you will need to take on the roll of authority in a humble and gentle way. Don't fight the fact that mom or dad's mind may slip or that they can no longer do simple physical tasks any longer. If you live in denial about where there capacities are at you are only causing yourself and your parent(s) anxiety. Accepting their condition for what it is will better be able to help you cope.

How to deal with aging parents depends on your own emotional, spiritual, physical, relational, and financial health. If you are not taking care of yourself you will not be able to take care of your aging parent. This is an extremely sensitive subject matter as most people find themselves running from one responsibility to another. Between children, work, volunteer roles and aging parents there is very little, if anything, left over for yourself. This may be hard to hear but you may have to let go of something in your life in order to maintain your own health. For a season you may have to opt out of certain hobbies, volunteer or social activities in order for you to stay energized. Perhaps you will need to retool your work schedule in order to tend to your parent(s) and maintain sustainable working hours. You may also need to protect your own health or other family responsibilities by constructing a schedule where certain hours you need to inform your parent that you are unavailable to assist them due to your commitment to exercise or time with children and/or your spouse. The more expectations are clearly laid out they better off you all will be. If your parent is reasonably independent this won't be too difficult as they can come and go as they please. But if your parent is more dependent on you for physical needs like cleaning clothes, assisting with showers, driving, or emotional and relational needs this may be more difficult.

Start early on with making sure other siblings (assuming you have them) are involved with mom and dads care. Even if they live a good distance away discuss openly with them your need for them to come regularly. This way the load is shared and other siblings have knowledge of just what is involved in caring for your parent(s). Also, if you are going to go out of town, leaving mom or dad with a sibling will not be unfamiliar or difficult. Believe it or not living with aging parents you can become accustom to doing it all on your own because it seems easier at the time. In reality, you are creating a situation where it is difficult for others to care for your parents and difficult for you to get away. And you will need to get away! If necessary search the internet or yellow pages for a reputable aging parent support organization. There are numerous elder care services that will come right to your home to serve as one who will assist with basic needs, take them to appointments or just even visit. Check with your local senior center to see if this type of service is offered in your area. The point is, don't think you can do this alone!!! The sooner your mom or dad knows that others are wanting to be involved in their lives too the better off you all will be!

Another great facet to dealing with aging parents in your home is making sure they are encouraged to maintain as independent a lifestyle as possible! Encourage them to participate in whatever ventures that is suitable for them. Senior groups, fitness classes, volunteering etc. Many communities offer pick up and drop off buses right to your door to take mom and dad wherever they want to go! Check with your local senior center for this resource. It's important for you as well as your parent(s) to be encouraged and stimulated relationally and mentally by others for as long as possible. This will make your home life a happier and healthier place.